S2E39: Building Compassion For Relationship Anxiety With Kirstie Taylor
Kirstie Taylor is a dating coach and writer. She helps anxious daters feel more confident in their love lives. Kirstie is also the author of the book What I Wish I Knew About Love.
Kirstie Taylor is a dating coach and writer. She helps anxious daters feel more confident in their love lives. Kirstie is also the author of the book What I Wish I Knew About Love. In this episode, she shares her wisdom in growing relationships, managing relationship anxiety, and how her experience in couples therapy allowed both of them to grow and nourish each other in their relationship.
Follow her on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/wordswithkirstie/
Follow her on TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@kirstietaylorr?lang=en
Buy Her Book:
https://www.kirstietaylor.com/
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Maryann Samreth 00:00
Welcome to mental breakthrough, a mental health podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories. As a reminder, we are all human. I'm MaryAnn Samreth, trauma writing coach, founder of sincerely Miss Mary and your host. In this season, I bring in healers, coaches, therapists and writers in the mental health and thought leadership space to share their stories of overcoming their shadows, to get to a place where the light shines again. These are trauma survivors, mental health advocates, spiritual guides, coaches, and first and foremost, human beings, reminding us to be softer and kinder to ourselves, so we can then meet others with the same compassion. The power and sharing our truths with the world gives permission for others to feel safe experiencing theirs. As a disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for trauma informed therapy. But as always, you can find mental health resources on my website at www that sincerely, Miss mary.com Hey everyone, today's guests, we have Kirsty Taylor. She is a dating coach, author of what I wish I knew about love, a viral Tiktok influencer and also my first writing mentor. Before I met Kirsty I didn't call myself a writer, I had just quit my fashion career at Tommy Hilfiger, and knew nothing about making a career in writing. Kirsty and her friend Ava guided me through the entire process, and I am forever grateful for Kirsty encouraging me to call myself a writer and take up space as my full authentic self. So I am very excited to bring her on this episode and talk about my favorite topic relationships. In this episode, we talk about anxious attachment styles, relationship, anxiety, body image, and how we can grow in safe relationships. She even shares her experience in couples therapy, Christy shares so many vulnerable truths from recovering from an eating disorder and healing from an abusive relationship. I hope that all of you can resonate with this episode and know that you are worthy of healing you are worthy of safe relationships. And most importantly, you are worthy of love. I recently caved and I got a FabFitFun box. It's something that looked kind of silly, but I've always secretly wanted to do and I just did it if you guys don't know what FAB Fit fun is, it's a subscription box filled with a skincare accessories, just fun, girly stuff that makes you feel good when you open it and I'm on my joy journey. And so this is exactly how it makes me feel just makes me feel really happy to get basic things. I love being basic. I love skincare, I love accessories. I love everything that I got in my fall boxa I got this red light thing that you use on your skin that's making me glow every single day. I got a Kate Somerville serum vitamin B's serum, that's also just helping me heal my acne scars. It's just so fun. And it's a cute boxer. So if this is something that you want to get, I highly recommend it. You can use my code, Miss Mary for $10 off your first box. I cut coffee out of my life earlier this year so I could balance my hormones and heal my gut and it was one of the most difficult decisions because I love coffee. I love cappuccinos. I love my Nespresso and I had to cut it out so I could begin to heal my body. And I was looking for a coffee replacement something that tasted like coffee but didn't have caffeine. And the only thing I could find was mushrooms and luckily for Cymatics is a brand that makes really yummy tasting mushroom blends that are caffeine free. They're also mixed with adaptogen some are adaptogens I still don't know you know what exactly like these mushrooms benefit you I just know they're really really good for you. And so I use for schematics every single day. I love Chaga mushroom, I love reishi mushroom, and it makes me feel a lot better than coffee ever did. I don't get really tired after I finish a cup of reishi mushroom mix like I do with coffee. It doesn't make me addicted. I just noticed the difference between using this coffee replacement versus coffee. Yeah, and it's just made my life a lot easier because I still feel like I get my coffee fix without the negative side effects. So I definitely would give four Cymatics a try. I have a code for $20 off so you can go to my show notes and get $20 off your first order. Now please enjoy the Episode Hi, everyone, welcome to Mental breakthrough podcast. Today's guest is Kirsty Taylor. She is a dating relationship writer, a content creator who helps people feel more secure and confident in their love lives. She's also a published author, she wrote what I wish I knew about love a guide for anyone trying to make sense of their love life. And she was my writing mentor. Hi, Christy. How are you doing?
Kirstie Taylor 06:08
Hi, good. I'm so excited to be on your podcast.
Maryann Samreth 06:11
Yeah, I'm excited to have you. I mean, I'm just thinking about my writing journey and how you are such a big part of it. Like you were the one that were like, you told me to call myself a writer because I wasn't even a writer when when I was working with with you and Ava. Yeah,
Kirstie Taylor 06:25
yeah, that's so wild to think about. I think that was like it was over a year ago. Yeah. That now you are 100% calling yourself a writer because you are totally a
Maryann Samreth 06:35
writer. Yeah. Thank you. So I want to hear your story of how you became the person you are today. What is your mental breakthrough story?
Kirstie Taylor 06:44
Yeah. So I'm always I'm sure you think this I'm sure you've come across this too. But I'm always just like, Where does the story begin? Because it feels like it starts you know, all throughout your life over and over. Yeah, um, but I'd say my biggest story arc starts in college. When I had just moved out to California to go to USC, I lived in Florida. And then my dad, my dad got a job out here. So I was luckily able to go to USC under his free tuition thing. So nice. I know. That was amazing. It was amazing. I'm very, very grateful.
07:20
Yeah.
Kirstie Taylor 07:22
And so I came out here and I started living in Los Angeles, and I started dating this guy who was I never want to say that someone's like a narcissist. 100%. So we don't know unless they're actually you know, diagnosed, and they tend not to be, but classic characteristics. And that combined with just like a very lingering low sense of self worth, and something I've been working on a lot lately, just a just kind of never feeling like a new really who I was I catapulted into just a lot of depression that I've been working or that I have for a while since I was basically a middle school just made my depression worse and also catapulted into an eating disorder. And so my eating disorder lasted for several years, but during college after a very weird, tumultuous, sort of breakup with that emotionally abusive boyfriend, I was like, a and I actually came out to my parents that I had an eating disorder, because I was, yeah, how was that, you know, just, it just consumed your life. And I was, I was, it was half that I wanted help. And half that I was also using it as like a tactic for my boyfriend not to leave me because he would constantly threaten to leave me, but trying to get help for my depression and my eating disorder. Just ending that really abusive relationship. I was like, I'm not ready to heal yet. And so I thought as many people do, I thought that literally flying across the world would cure everything. And so I moved to China for a bit and just follow the classic trope of you can't run away for your problems no matter where you are, no matter the geographic change your your problems follow you.
Maryann Samreth 09:12
Yeah, that's a tough lesson to learn. Because it repeats itself a little it'll manifest over and over again until you you become aware of it
Kirstie Taylor 09:20
exactly. Yeah, I remember actually reading Eat Pray Love what like maybe it was like two years ago. So way when I was older, just randomly, I was like, it just seems kind of like cheesy, but then I read it and I was like, I could see how a lot of people would think that her journey was was her healing journey was the moving abroad but her healing journey was that she was self aware enough to be doing the work while she was abroad. So I think a lot of people kind of make that mistake of like I can fly away on my problems. Yeah, yeah. So eventually I came back home after I lived in China was not happy there move to Barcelona was not happy there. And then that was I had just another really A bad bout of depression. I was like, Mom, I need to come home. And I was really lucky to, um, I didn't say that emotionally supportive, but at least, you know, gave me their house to live in and find a therapist at the very least.
Maryann Samreth 10:14
Sounds like my situation now. I understand you completely.
Kirstie Taylor 10:20
I'm sure you could want 100% understand the emotional support? Not there.
Maryann Samreth 10:25
Not the financial? Yes.
Kirstie Taylor 10:27
Yeah, exactly what she knows better than a lot of people. So yeah, take what I can get. Here. Yeah. So I came home and did an eating disorder rehab for a little bit, and then saw my old therapist for a while and finally just kind of stayed in one place until my therapist thought it was good enough to again, move abroad, which I did. I lived abroad for a little bit longer for a year, and then came home. And so my my story about like, abusive, not really not just emotionally abusive, just emotionally unavailable, bad, and the toxic cycle of like, continuously dating, people who couldn't meet my needs, or just couldn't have their own issues that they never want to work on, carried on long after my eating disorder, recovery and everything. So I think that for a while, I thought the only issue was my eating disorder. And it was like, that's if you've ever been through an eating disorder, it is just all consuming. It takes like 90% of your thoughts. Um, so it took a while for me to work through that, and then realize that my depression and my toxic cycle of dating these men, these emotionally unavailable men, was what I needed to then work on. And that's kind of where my bulk write up, which I don't need to get into right now. But that's kind of where my book begins was me realizing after two breakups in the span of six months with these two guys, I didn't even like that much, but who treated me so horribly? Well, was even physically abusive. And I was like, I remember the last breakup there was on my front porch, and me and my boyfriend broke up. And like, my first response was to go into my bedroom and redownload dating apps and start swiping. Yeah. So what it is that within me that's like, I need to keep being in a relationship. I have been in a relationship back to back for basically a decade. Yeah. What is it about me? And why do I keep bringing in and not setting boundaries with these people? Although it was not, I did not think why am I not sending boundaries? Because I was not that aware or educated yet.
Maryann Samreth 12:27
I mean, that's pretty aware. For for the beginning of breaking that cycle. I
Kirstie Taylor 12:31
don't know. I didn't know that. Yeah. Word was boundaries. I didn't. Yeah, none of that. I think that all to my second therapist who was raising, right, so it was written in there. I was like, I am taking a year off of dating. And I'm figuring this out, I'm gonna figure out you know, why is it that I keep keep feeling the need to get into these relationships? Why can I draw boundaries, like, even with my physical, a physically abusive boyfriend, I forgave him, even though he never really even apologized. And so it was one of my friends. I was like, wow, I never thought that would happen to you. You're such a feminist. You're so like, independent and powerful. And I was, and once I took that year off of dating, I thought to myself, why, why I am like that, but I wasn't like that in a relationship. And I tend to not be like that. And really, and really, right.
Maryann Samreth 13:20
Yeah, interesting how that things just are shown to you in relationships that aren't shown to you outside of it. So it's like, it's like a mirror of your inner inner landscape. So it is fascinating how that comes out. And I'm sure like, you are probably in a place where you weren't showing, you know, vulnerability. You're that strong brand, but like those, you really need to check on those strong friends. Yeah, yeah. That is so true. 100%. Yeah. So
Kirstie Taylor 13:47
just during that year, off from dating, that's when I started learning about things like attachment style and codependency and red flags. You know, how to create boundaries. I worked a lot with a therapist who, luckily it was just very, he was actually an intern. So luckily, I got to see him very cheap. Yeah, I
Maryann Samreth 14:07
was gonna say,
Kirstie Taylor 14:09
I actually saw him for $15 A session, which is my gosh,
Maryann Samreth 14:12
that's an interview feel if it was a good therapist, that's that. Yeah.
Kirstie Taylor 14:16
Honestly, I wish sometimes I don't think it would be crossing a boundary since technically, it's not really. He wasn't a certified therapist at the time. But I always think about him he because I also was hospitalized due to my depression. And he helped me learn how to like, voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital, and helped and like talk to my mom throughout that process. And I'm like, You're just an inter, like, you went above and beyond to help me. Yeah. And it really meant the world to me. He was great. He was great.
Maryann Samreth 14:44
I love that story. Yeah,
Kirstie Taylor 14:47
um, and then yeah, so that's, I took that year off dating. I started you know, really trying to be super aware and intentional and applying everything I learned about dating and just like also may maintaining my sense of identity and self and building a life I really liked and that those two things pretty much coincided with getting into writing about dating and relationships. And then also meeting my very securely attached emotionally available. Amazing boyfriend.
Maryann Samreth 15:14
Yeah, you're right, or before or this, this kind of come out of the blue.
Kirstie Taylor 15:19
No. So I was not a writer before it was during it kind of all happened at one time. But after those like two breakups, and at the point, when I decided to take a year off, dating was also coupled with me getting fired from my position as a technical recruiter. So I didn't want to make a career change and do something that I again, like just didn't like, I'm also figuring this out. Now with make a coach I'm working with that I just have this need to prove to people that I'm smart, or that I'm worthy. So I just made a lot of career decisions based off that. And I didn't want to make that I didn't want to keep doing that. So when I was like, go for my technical recruiting job actually took a job as a nanny to just you know, pay the bills. And one i I'm trying to think, who originally told me about medium I had a friend who was really into cryptocurrency, I believe it was him and my dad, my dad's a really techie guy, and he told me about medium. And so I was like, I'm just going to try posting a story on there. I don't even remember what my first story was. But I think my third story was about my emotionally abusive boyfriend in college. I'm sure you would 100% Get this because this is how you started and ever. Yeah,
Maryann Samreth 16:33
but writing about my accent. I mean, it's
Kirstie Taylor 16:39
exactly like people. Exactly, exactly. So when people started to actually resonate with those, and whoa, you know, people are interested in hearing, not just my story, but what I've learned from these stories, or learn from these lessons and going through these experiences. And so I just kept writing on medium. And really, it's medium that like, launched my writing career by far. I love that. And then that trickled into everything else. But yeah, I started with
Maryann Samreth 17:03
medium. That's awesome. That's how I started to Well, I guess, technically Instagram, but I feel like medium felt more official just having a platform to publish and not needing like the New York Times, or like, all these magazines, it's like, it's liberating to be able to know that you can create your audience, and magnetize your audience by doing your you know, your own thing and seeing who comes to you. And it's, I love that you're able to do that, and you kept doing it. And now you have like a very huge following on medium and Tiktok and Instagram, just by being you and sharing your journey. I think people need a witness someone going through that journey.
Kirstie Taylor 17:41
Totally, totally. And I think that add that I know, that couldn't be more true. I actually realized that a lot with and I don't talk about this a lot. But that was a big healing. Part of my healing process with my eating disorder was realizing that I wasn't alone and breathing people that were going through this hat that had gone through the same thing. Yeah. So while it wasn't a key player in me, healing my love life and all of that, I feel like I definitely understood where people were coming from when they would say things about like that about me, because I was like, I've been in your shoes with a different topic, but it just meant the world readings, reading about someone who's been through something and can put to words what you're experiencing.
Maryann Samreth 18:21
Yeah, definitely. And the topic of body shame and female body shame is so huge. And you know, just I'm seeing so much on it. What was your journey of recovering from an eating disorder? And do you think the wound was kind of the same as where the wound was when you're dating, like a cycle of emotionally unavailable men? Like, is it control? Is it lack of sense of self?
Kirstie Taylor 18:47
Yeah, I think that's actually such a great question. Because exactly, people, people get into eating disorders for a myriad of different reasons. And a lot of people think that it's always just, oh, I want to be skinnier. And it's not that it's deeper. And for me, I think for a very small part of it was the control aspect. I think that I did feel like everything was just out of control in my life. And especially with someone dating someone who just was constantly threatening to leave me. I could at least control my body. And I thought this is a way that he'll stay. That makes sense. Yeah. But I think the biggest piece was definitely just I didn't have any love for myself. So I sought that validation through everyone outside of me and the world outside of me. And, you know, when you start to get skinnier, it's a sad truth and that will that people are finally realizing isn't a truth.
Maryann Samreth 19:39
Yeah, well.
Kirstie Taylor 19:42
It's not a truth. It's just people. Too many people are stuck in this way of thinking that like skinny is meaningful, skinny is beautiful, and I don't think that's true at all. Not even that that skinny is beautiful anymore, that people are finally realizing that you know, not everyone has once One there not. Everyone's attracted to one body, not the fall. So I definitely think it was the self
Maryann Samreth 20:08
worth piece that you mentioned. Yeah, definitely. And like even the word like disordered eating, it's a society that made women perceive themselves this way. So it's like, it's not even disorder when like the world perpetuated this belief. It's like a symptom of the problem. Right? Exactly. Yeah. What do you wish women knew to help them overcome body shame, essentially,
Kirstie Taylor 20:31
to really expose yourself to more body positive people. So whether it be an Instagram, I mean, that was a big player for me was just following all these people that I over the years just accumulated. And all I did was compare myself to them, even if they weren't even fitness related or body or like diet related. It's just exposing yourself more to different aspects of beauty, especially people that look like you. But I just hope that people realize that they can do the work to feel happy about their body, I feel like it was just with it to feel at home in their body. I remember being I remember, look, in college, I looked at my body. And I was like, Wow, this just isn't the body I was meant to be in, like, look at it. It's like, pudgy there. And I just, I would physically like imagine myself, like unzipping my meat suit. And like, stepping out with this beautiful skinny body that I was, I always thought I was meant to be, and which is wild to think now. Because you know, I'm like, 30 pounds heavier now, and I love my bun, you're happy. That's all that matters. Yeah, look at my body all the time. I'm like, This is amazing. All the time. Sometimes, like, oh, there it is. There's that like, insecurity. So I just wish that women knew. And then anyone anyone knew that there's, there's what is the word I'm trying to think of? It is possible to love your body, regardless of what society makes you think about it, or what you think about now, there's hope out
Maryann Samreth 21:57
there. Yeah, I love that. And it's it's building that relationship. Again, what your body because we get to have like a stage in our life where we start to question ourselves. And those questions are not our questions. It's from people who made us feel a certain way. And it's, it's like reclaiming that love for your body up again, because we're born here to just be ourselves in whatever shape or form so very, very true. Yeah, I'm glad we're talking about this. This is this is very important to talk about,
Kirstie Taylor 22:26
actually, now that now I just thought of something. One of the things I'm gonna quickly say is that do not compare yourself to any anyone else's eating disorder, disordered eating. If it consumes your life, it consumes your life, and you deserve to get help. That's a very big one. Because, yeah, a lot of people talk about how like, they never felt they were anorexic, because they weren't dying in the hospital. You don't have to be dying in the hospital to be DSM five, whatever, classified anorexic. So if it consumes you get help. Yeah, you deserve it.
Maryann Samreth 23:01
Yeah, I think that's so true. That when that happened to you, did you have a lot of like, comparisons that kind of stopped you from getting help?
Kirstie Taylor 23:10
Oh, totally. 100% I never felt like, there was a point that I lost my period. And I was like, Okay, that's pretty serious. And afterwards, the recovery process was like, horrible, painful, horrible, like stomach issues, all that during the time I yeah, I just thought, you know, I'm, I look good. People say I look good. Like, I'm fine. But like, emotionally and like, mentally, I was not fine. So yeah, it's definitely something that a lot of people struggle with. Because for a long time, we just saw anorexia as like stick thin women. And that's not the case at
Maryann Samreth 23:43
all. Yeah, it can look different for each person. And all that matters is how you're feeling inside. If you need it. If you need help, you have to honor it. And I know like, alright, it's really hard to ask for help. How was that experience for you? When you like told your parents what you're going through? Was that a relief? Was it hard?
Kirstie Taylor 24:01
Um, it was definitely hard. I sent them an email actually, because I just didn't I even now I'm bad at confrontation people, everyone's about accommodation. But I'm not good accommodation. So I emailed them, but even then, I just never felt supported by my mom about the eating disorder. I actually think that she kind of has like an underlying one. And she has had for years, that stems from a fear of family health issues that she's had her family. So she never, she never really acknowledged that aspect. Even when I was in rehab. She always said it's just depression. It's just depression. So bringing that up to her and her reaction was definitely hard but I never let it detract from my truth, which was that I did have an eating disorder. I was diagnosed multiple times by multiple people. Right. So yeah, it was hard, but I mean, I'm glad I did it. You know, the hardest part is, is asking the initial asking for help or just Finding someone No, but then it gets easier.
Maryann Samreth 25:02
It does. It does. It is important to you to do that because that initial stop, you use it again and again. The more you build a relationship with yourself and you receive the support of other people because we can't do this work alone. It's hard. Exactly. Yep. You can't. Well, thank you for sharing that story. I know that was really deep. Yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah. So let's um, I really want to talk about you know, just your knowledge on Attachment styles like you're an anxious attachment dating expert. How did you get into learning about attachment styles?
Kirstie Taylor 25:35
Yeah, so it was actually a friend of mine who was a therapist at the time and she turned me on to the book attach which now I'm very much realizing is coming into my awareness does not do dismissive avoidant attachment styles justice in the least bit. So I'm slowly learning that but right it Yeah, right. I don't I cannot do dismissive avoidant justice. I, every time I read something about them, I'm just like, whoa, because I'm the opposite. I like you know, I know. Anxious attachment like the back of my hand. Right. dismissive. avoidant? I definitely don't know don't don't totally understand the inside of dismissive avoidance heads. But
Maryann Samreth 26:16
you're welcome to ask me because I swear.
Kirstie Taylor 26:20
Which actually, I'm realizing it's very common for people who are anxiously attached to switch to the dismissive avoidant, and I definitely had that moment when I first started dating my secure boyfriend, but it was attached. So yeah, attach is how I started learning about it. And that's what really helped me feel seen at first by about my anxious attachment. And then when I started talking about it, or mentioning my, what I've learned, in my experiences of tick tock, I realized how much people were wanted more and more information about that. And I think that's a very anxious tendency is just to touch attachments and want to, you know, do more and more to like, make things better. Yeah. So yeah, that's just how I started learning about it. And I don't know the attachment theory, just as it's so fascinating to me. And now I'm learning more about trauma and terms of attachment and how they like interplay with each other. And I'm taking a course in February by one of the authors of another really popular book called The Power of attachment by Diane Heller. To learn more about it all. That's just very fascinating.
Maryann Samreth 27:26
Yeah, you I mean, can you speak to it? Like, what what do you what have you been learning so far about how trauma can create certain attachment styles for people?
Kirstie Taylor 27:35
Yeah, so I guess what I never really thought of was how well first off that trauma, trauma, it looks like anything, you know, a trauma could be someone going to war or trauma could be that time their parent left them at school for 10 minutes, and they were late, right. So both can be just as impactful, chaotic. And so learning about how traumas that we experience as a kid, ones that we may not even remember, then affects the way that we're able to love because we're repeating those wounds that we experienced as a child that were never really brought up or healed or maybe aren't even in our consciousness. So I think that what's what's very interesting is a lot of people with anxious attachment will be like, my parents were good parents, my parents were good parents, but why am I anxious. And there's such a plethora of reasons that are why you can have an attachment an anxious attachment style, or an avoidant attachment style, beyond just your parents, you know, not giving you proper care, it could have been a moment of improper care where you really needed your parents and they didn't mean to, but they weren't there for you in the way that you need it. It could be a generational trauma that they don't even realize they're passing on and to you doesn't seem like improper care, but was to your subconscious and the needs that you did when you were a child or even, you know, older my I I'd say I was still anxious in college, but not as anxiously attached when I as when I left my relationship with my emotionally abused boyfriend. Yeah. So you know, those things are trauma and until they're really pinpointed and worked on, they're going to keep repeating in your life or shift and for some people are shifting to a different type of manifesting in a different mood.
Maryann Samreth 29:15
Yeah, I that's the one thing I still can't cognitively understand is the mastering of the trauma. Like I understand that we will continue to do it until we heal it but like, why does it have to be that hard? Just a wake up? Right?
Kirstie Taylor 29:31
I know it is. And that's like, obviously, I think trauma work or at least deep trauma work is definitely one of those things. It's like okay, it's you know, that's therapy work. Like there are people that are really trained for that. But I'm reading a book right now, actually, it's Oprah's book, but she doesn't she's
Maryann Samreth 29:48
with a psychologist.
Kirstie Taylor 29:50
Yeah. The psychologist exactly. I love I love the phrase she uses for the title he they use. It's called What happened to you. So instead of being like, what's wrong with you? You people always think that what's wrong What's wrong with you? Why are you like this? Especially for like anxiously attached and just dismissive avoidant? It's always what's wrong with you. Why are you like this? Why are you not getting love or why you're getting too much love, but it's instead it's asking the question, What happened to you? What happened that made you this way? Because asking what's wrong with you really is not conducive to healing or trying to help someone, but instead realizing that people are the way they are because of the traumas they've been through. Yeah, everything is so trauma related. Yes. Oh, very interesting.
Maryann Samreth 30:31
Yeah.
Kirstie Taylor 30:32
You know, you understand out of anyone to understand,
Maryann Samreth 30:35
ya know, I'm excited for you to take you that it's a trauma course that you're taking next year.
Kirstie Taylor 30:40
i She, she offers four modules. I'm pretty sure the first one is trauma related with anxious attachment. It could be a different module I'm thinking of, but I plan on taking all four modules, because
Maryann Samreth 30:52
that's amazing. Yeah, yeah. Good to Yeah, it's gonna deepen your work, it's gonna connect more dots. And I'm excited for you to to, you know, just learn more about that, because I'm in a trauma training a somatic trauma training training class right now. And the first thing they talked about was under the context of trauma, your life makes sense. That just like, blew me away, because we there's a lot of shame and stigma to stigma to zation with trauma and relations to like our attachment style, like everyone vilifies like avoidant attachment, but and like even anxious attachment, like we, we have vilify insecure attachment styles, but there's nothing wrong. There's, there's so much shame around attachment styles, but that's why I love like, what you're doing is that you are cancelling the shame around these normal things that we have to cope with what happened to us, right, exactly.
Kirstie Taylor 31:47
I mean, I have to be sometimes, you know, I post videos, and then 234 months later, I'll be like, I'll learn something new. And I'll look back to that. And I'll be like, Okay, maybe that wasn't as kind of something that I could have, or is kind of a message I could have put out there. But I'm, yeah, I'm always open to learning and trying to erase the shame that both attachment styles have because especially in the anxious attachment community, I think the avoidance are very vilified. Like you said, oh, yeah,
Maryann Samreth 32:17
yeah, I did one video and I got some interesting but I have drama. So give me compassion. What what do you wish more people would understand about like, you know, if they start to get like obsessed with healing their attachment style to move to securely attached or like finding a secure partner, like what would you say to people that are, you know, falling under this, you know, spiral of being obsessed to heal their attachment style, or obsessed with finding a secure partner?
Kirstie Taylor 32:49
Yeah, I think that what matters most is going to be everyone that involved is involved. So you and the person you're trying to date, their self awareness and their willingness to grow. So the fact that you're just even aware of your attachment style. First off, I'm think that for the most part for most people anxiously attached, and who struggle with anxiety in general are going to have a really hard time becoming 100% secure, which honestly, what even is that like? These are all just frameworks and words that people made up? Yeah, he's behind it. But it's all just a framework. So I never think to myself that I'm going to be one on one day 100% secure, my goal is to be more secure with a little anxious tendencies and learning how to manage those. Yeah, my first piece of advice is to try to switch to that mindset, it's not trying to become 100% secure, it's trying to get to the point where you can date in a way that feels healthy feels stable for you. And that when the when your anxiety and stuff comes up or your fear to run away from your partner, you know how to manage that. And then, in terms of finding a partner beyond attachment style, what's always going to be important is just relationship growth, you're going to be so much happier in a relationship with someone if they are willing to learn how to communicate in ways that you understand and vice versa. Learn how to love you in ways that you make you feel loved, and vice versa. And so it's important to find someone who's going to grow with you. And just because someone's securely attached does not mean that they're going to grow with you. Just because someone's true. Avoided doesn't mean they won't grow with you. So someone's very highly aware. Hey, I am avoidant. I tend to you know, when things become really vulnerable, I tend to need space from from you. That's going to be so much better than a secure partner who's just like I am the person I am and doesn't really want to do it. Yeah. Yeah, because at the very least that avoidant person who wants who is aware and wants to become better, is willing to mold a relationship with you which honestly, when a relationship is between two unique people, you have to mold one works best for you both rather than just trying to fit into like this box of what a perfect relationship looks like. So yeah, the willingness to grow and the self awareness, although you can't just have self awareness, it has to be the willingness to grow as well. Yeah,
Maryann Samreth 35:13
yes. More important than that attachment styles. That's so true. How would you Are you open to talking about couples therapy? And how that's Oh, yeah. Both of you guys both have that the willingness to grow and self awareness?
Kirstie Taylor 35:26
Yeah. So I guess I'm very lucky that my partner is was down for couples therapy us a little bit hesitant at first, not hesitant in the sense of I don't want to do it, but more hesitant and didn't understand how it could benefit us. Yeah, until like three or four times. And I was like, checking in with him. I was like, you know, this is we pay $40 each week. So $80 a week for this therapy. I just want to check in. Are you still liking it? Do you still want to keep doing this? And he was like, oh, yeah, I love it. Let's keep doing this. We're learning so much. Yeah. So it's been a really great experience, we've learned how to better communicate with each other. We've talked a lot about expectations. We've gone through arguments and learned communication tools to work through our arguments better by like replaying our arguments. And we've understood more of each other's childhood, each other's background and how that plays into our relationship today. And
Maryann Samreth 36:25
so it's been really amazing. Wow, that's really cool. Like you're very, like, it's very inspiring. Like, I'm even like, Oh, when I get to that place that like if I ever get married, and I'm like, I'm going to do couples therapy as well. Like, there is stigma around couples therapy. And I think it's really cool that like, both of you are healthy, self aware people. And you're going to couples therapy, like it's, it's like a workout. It's like going into a gym, like you're practicing working on a relationship to continue to grow together. And I think that's really cool.
Kirstie Taylor 36:55
I think what's a really important thing about couples therapy is that, again, you need someone who's gonna want to grow with you. It's definitely for serious relationships. If you haven't talked to your partner about potentially wanting to get married or just wanting to be together, you know, basically forever. I wouldn't try to process upon someone who you haven't had serious talks with or you know, discussions about moving in like a definitely all the conversation that my boyfriend and I have and everything are definitely focused on. We're in this together, we're in life together. We're doing this for eventually we will get married all that. So I definitely think that that's a big one. Because I get a lot of comments on Tik Tok. They're like, I wish my boyfriend would do this, it would be amazing, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, you think it would be amazing, but you're, you're pretty young, like you said, you fall in love with your boyfriend for a couple of months, the chances are that it's you want it to change your partner, rather than you want it to grow your relationship. So I just
Maryann Samreth 37:54
wanted to point that out. Yeah, go. Can you go a little bit further about that? Because I think people don't understand that.
Kirstie Taylor 38:00
Yeah, our therapist one time said that we were talking about a lot about something my boyfriend did that I don't wanna say was a problem, just you know, was causing issues or relationship and we're just focusing on him a lot. And so our therapist stopped and he was like, I just want to make sure Nish that you. My boyfriend, same as Nash was like a niche, I want you to understand that we're not sitting here to try to change who you are. Rather, we're just trying to, we're not we're not trying to change your personality. We're just trying to fix this communication issue that's coming going on between you two. And my wife was like, Yeah, of course, like I totally understand. But I appreciated that my therapist said that, just you know, I appreciate it. He was talking with my boyfriend. I love that. But I just love bringing that to my awareness because people often confused and even I did when I was younger people often confuse wanting relationship growth with trying to change your partner, which obviously everyone always says Don't try to change your partner, you can change your partner and I agree trying to change someone and their core personality. That's a huge ask. They have to want it for themselves. Yeah, yeah, wanting relationship grows, wanting to learn how to communicate with each other, you know, learning each other's love languages, things like that. That's totally acceptable and healthy to want a relationship. And so that is what couples therapy couples therapy helps couples do. Instead of I think my boyfriend is a problem. And I'm trying to get to him to couples therapy. So the therapist can agree with me or to try to help change him like yeah, that will not end well.
Maryann Samreth 39:30
I definitely have that mindset at one point with my for sure. But I love what your therapist said, I might make you repeat it again, but just like letting your boyfriend know that she's not there to change him and his personality. Just the communication, just improve the communication outside of you know who you are. Because I think men get defensive when you try to change you know who they are. They're they feel unsafe. So she What did she say again? I will When she said
Kirstie Taylor 40:00
to him, um, my boyfriend, I mean, our therapist is that he? That's okay. I was like, I gotta clarify
Maryann Samreth 40:08
that I guess I say he so it's confusing. He said, I'm not trying to change your personality. We're just trying to fix this communication problem, what's going on between you two, I'm starting to, like put more content out about men's mental health. And I'm just like, that's one thing, because I've gotten a lot of crap for being an Asian girl dating a white guy from people of color. And then the comments you see, people, I mean, this could be people of any color too, but you're just in general, man, don't feel safe to be themselves. So your therapist saying that was just giving him safety. So I'm just like, wanting to highlight that like that. That's just very, very important. Just for men to feel that way. I wish there was more resources for men to get help.
Kirstie Taylor 40:52
I know. I wish I was to I think it would be though this world would be a wildly different place if it were Yeah. Yeah. It's it's a shame that there's so much stigma still about men's mental health. Even with eating disorders. Oh my gosh, I could go into that for days but
Maryann Samreth 41:08
oh, like eating
Kirstie Taylor 41:11
disorders for men? Yes. And yeah, disordered body dysmorphia. It's wild. If you if you go into a gym, there was probably at least like five people in there five men in there who are you know, really bulky and everything that had body dysmorphia? It's really real for men.
Maryann Samreth 41:26
Yeah, I didn't even think about that. Yeah. I mean, that's gonna be another episode. about men's mental health a friend, your therapist.
Kirstie Taylor 41:34
It was it was one random day, my friend who was really into working out and everything and used to go to the Gold's Gym in Venice Beach, which is like, notorious for being the the place everyone goes to Arnold Schwarzenegger used to go there. Yeah, you mentioned it to me one day. He's like, I think I have body dysmorphia. Oh, wow. Whoa, I never considered that with men who work out a lot. It just seems like they're healthy. They're fine. But it was definitely eye opening that conversation. Yeah.
Maryann Samreth 42:07
Well, I'm also glad that he felt safe to tell you to because you know, who can you talk to you about that, like men don't talk to each other about their emotions and their feelings?
Kirstie Taylor 42:14
Exactly. I agree. Yep. Exactly. I was very honored that he let me know that.
Maryann Samreth 42:19
Yeah, that's, that's definitely an important conversation we're having for any men that are listening to this. Yeah. So I really want to talk about your book and the process of writing your book. How was that? Yeah. So
Kirstie Taylor 42:33
my book is kind of formatted to be it was kind of formatted to be little essays that you could just read whenever but there is also a narrative aspect of all these different stories of who of the guys that are dated throughout that decade of Back to Back relationships. And the process was definitely interesting. revisiting those relationships. I didn't dive too much into my mental health. So I didn't talk about like my depression and my anxiety, I just focus more on the relationships, which I do feel like sometimes maybe did a disservice to the book, because it definitely plays a huge aspect. But at the same time, I just really wanted to focus on what I was there to talk about, which is the lessons I learned with love. Yeah. So it was very interesting, because it was a very cathartic experience. And a very reflective experience, because I formatted the format of the book to be each chapter is basically a story than a lesson, but not necessarily, the story didn't necessarily correlate to when I learned that lesson. So kind of pinpointing these very emotional experiences with my exes, and kind of relating them to what I know now. And what I learned as an adult reflecting on them was very interesting. Like I had a boyfriend in high school, who, I'll make it very quick who I dated. He was basically like the first person I was obsessed with. I don't know if I was alone with him, but obsessed with and he randomly left me and just there was a lot of rumors that he was basically leaving me for a freshman at our high school, yada yada. He's like, No, we're friends. We're just friends, bla bla bla, back and forth, ends up Cuba's dating her there was a very brief moment where he told me he was going to give us another chance. But then he left his phone in my car one day, and I found out that they were still together are still talking. So the the lesson was like you can't as much as you feel like you can potentially make someone choose you or love you. You can't Yeah, especially when we're younger. You know, we just think that if we try hard enough, we can change someone's mind. And oh my gosh, yeah, yeah. And even though there's a whole other aspect in that is that you don't want to be with someone you have to change their mind of like you're so true. Yeah. So kind of going through and making sense of all those really impactful stories I've been through and tying them together with lessons that I've learned now because of Very interesting, almost like puzzle piece. process. And I definitely like that a lot. It was very, it was very eye opening.
Maryann Samreth 45:07
Yeah, was it? Did you have any like moments where it was hard to write some of the scenes that you had to like take breaks? Or were you able to kind of just move through it? Okay.
Kirstie Taylor 45:16
It's a great question. I, I think that what was hard was, especially with my physically abusive boyfriend, who I mentioned in the book is Jack, I think. pseudonyms. I was
Maryann Samreth 45:30
gonna say, do they have the name? Like, same name? No, I was reached out to you.
Kirstie Taylor 45:36
I'm not putting myself in a potential lawsuit. So it's all you get sued if you use their name? Oh, yeah. Defamation is a real thing. Okay. I don't think that someone would go out of their way. But it's definitely just you don't want to cut you want to cover your butt and just not alright, but not real names.
Maryann Samreth 45:52
Hi, I'm doing this for my mom was
Kirstie Taylor 45:56
a 100%. Rather, rather be safe than sorry. Yeah, that's true. So with him a lot of these stories, most, he's probably the biggest one. It's hard for me to remember how I felt about him in the beginning. And that love that I had for him? Because I just have so much I don't like I'm not I don't I'm not resentful or anything at this point. But I do so have a lot of ill will towards him. I'm not I don't think of him as a good person. I worry at times that he's abusing other women. And I'm not I don't have a good. We were friends before because we work together. We did not get together while we were working together. But after we work together, we got together anyways. Yeah, so we were friends. And so you know, for a while I thought of him as a good person. But it is so hard to conjure up those feelings again, because of how much and don't think he's a good person now. Yeah, definitely writing from that perspective, because I had to, you know, when you're telling a story, you revisit those good memories. It was hard to think of those good memories when I didn't want to Yeah, when
Maryann Samreth 46:59
they're shooting person. Exactly. Yeah. I think that's probably difficult. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I like that you just allow yourself to still feel to still have those feelings. Because they're valid, he created trauma for you. So it's completely valid, and you're allowed to feel that way and take it even if even if you're still healing from it. That's that's allowed. That's okay.
Kirstie Taylor 47:23
Yeah, I think I think it's people always go back and forth on should you forgive someone, or forgiving people, not forgiving people. And you know, I think whatever works for you if you want to, just because you forgive someone doesn't mean that you forget what happened, and doesn't mean that you have to all of a sudden become their best friend again or anything. But if you also don't want to forgive someone, as long as it's not eating you up inside as long as you're not like holding this huge grudge that's impacting you every day, then don't You don't have to Yeah, either one works whatever works for you go
Maryann Samreth 47:55
I'm glad you're giving people that permission because I'm I go for indifference more so they forgiveness because like my I mean, your nose, right? My accent was horrific, like psychopaths, just like, I just have, I just, there's just neutral energy. He doesn't have anything even like forgiveness for me is like energy and to him. And I'm just like, You know what? difference? So that's true. You create forgiveness the way you need to, or whatever it means to you to move.
Kirstie Taylor 48:23
Exactly. Every time I hear the word indifferent towards exes, I think of the Taylor Swift song. And I think that's just such a great word to explain it. I love that indifference. Indifference is truly the best revenge because just moving on with your life and feeling whatever about it is is how you get to them. I mean, not like I'm not saying like that you should purposely be that's your sole motive. But I'm just saying that when you do move on with your life, and you're not thinking about them anymore. People always think like, oh, I have to hurt them like they hurt me. But you just move on. That's the best kind of revenge you can
Maryann Samreth 48:57
get. Yeah, it's it's freedom and differences. Freedom. Freedom. It's an underrated word for sure. When you had your book published, and when you're grew when you grew a tick tock following what did anything change for you? Was it what was it like reaching these milestones?
Kirstie Taylor 49:14
Yeah, so I definitely, I was thinking about how to word this. It definitely was not what I will just be straightforward. It definitely was not what I thought it was because I thought, you know, when I get my book published, I'm going to be a published author, like that's such a big deal. And when I hit 100,000 followers on Tiktok, like that's such a big deal. And while it is it 100% is a big deal. I never felt that way because by the time I publish my book, or by the time I hit 100,000 followers, I'm already on to the next goal. Oh my God. Now I want 200 followers. Now I want another books to be published, or I want to work towards these other goals. And I think that, especially for me, and I'm still working on establishing my identity without all these external worldly factors. coming into play. I it didn't do me job. It didn't do me justice or service. I don't know what the word is I'm looking for them to fulfillment, fulfillment, there we go. It didn't fulfill me to think that these external goals would bring me happiness. I think that there was definitely a there was definitely a play of I can be proud of myself and I can congratulate myself and I can celebrate these things. And I wish I had more than I than I did. Because I think that maybe like psychologically that would have pulled me Hey, this is great. You accomplish what you wanted. Like, you can feel this feeling for a bit like just sit in it. But yeah, anyway. So what I'm what I'm trying to say is that if you're going after goals, make sure to definitely celebrate them, make sure to definitely don't tie them to your worth, don't ever tie them to your arms, you are worthy. Regardless, if you publish a book you are worthy. Regardless, if you ever hit 10,000 followers or an Instagram or whatever, you are worthy. But when these accomplishments come up, let them be just that they're accomplished accomplishments and take the time to really celebrate and everything. Yeah, there was there was another little aspect there that I mentioned to you that we're going to talk about and enough this is the point at which you want to talk
Maryann Samreth 51:15
you're free to talk about whatever you
Kirstie Taylor 51:17
want. That that comes up, it's all valid. Definitely a big thing and I don't want to be negative about followings and everything I think I say I think a lot. I'm trying to also work on that.
Maryann Samreth 51:29
We're all working progress.
Kirstie Taylor 51:31
Exactly. Oh, but the big following. Many people can be very happy about that and leverage them in very successful creative ways. And that's amazing. For me, I found that especially with anxiety, especially just still working on my feelings of self identity and self worth. More following brings more hate comments more bigger following brings more criticism brings more eyes on you. It is definitely something that if you're going to try to strive for a big following on social media you need to be aware of you need to check in with yourself. You need to set limits for yourself. It's definitely at this point. I am not interested in going viral. I love my community. I love the followers that I do have if people do want to join like That's great. I hope they love my core message. And I'm not interested in going viral and hitting 500,000 Or a million anymore. Because it is a lot of pressure. It is a lot of eyes on you and honestly the hate comments especially on tick tock
Maryann Samreth 52:32
those always hurt people are savage on tick tock Yeah. Oh, my gosh. And people are like, just ignore them. I'm like, I can't I have to respond. That's part of healing my chakra
Kirstie Taylor 52:42
Right? Exactly. I hate when people are like, just ignore it. You're Maybe that's your personality. Yeah, the moment I read it, I am now replaying this, this comment over and over my head. And yeah, sure I can work on that. But this isn't something that I can just completely ignored. Brush off my shoulders. And I think that's just part of my personality. Yeah. So instead of being saying, Oh, just ignore the hate comments, and said I manage. So if I find myself spiraling over someone's comment, I then distract myself or I tap in with my inner child or my inner parent and try to let myself know that I'm okay. Like, everything is fun. I am not a bad person. Things like that.
Maryann Samreth 53:26
Yeah, I think that's a good point you bring up like even if you have like a big following like yours or like if any of us grow to like a million and you don't bypass bypass the pain of criticism and hate like, it'll always be there. Like, there's I think like John Mayer got like a death threat. And he like posted it on Twitter, and he was like, my feelings are hurt. I'm failing. But I'm still a human.
Kirstie Taylor 53:50
Yeah, I think and especially with tick tock people always want to hate on the dealio sisters, especially now that they've been so in the public eye and if anyone doesn't know that Amelia sisters are just imagine the two most famous people on Tik Tok basically. And they did a Hulu show and a lot of it is them crying about how the public are so critical of them. And a lot of the comments are but you're rich, you have money, who cares? Calm down, stop crying. Yes, they have a lot of money. Yes, they are very privileged. And you know, they can be grateful for the money but that doesn't negate their the trauma that's happening to them. That doesn't negate their feelings. They're human, isn't it? I think it's Jay Z. It said you know, more money, more problems not 100% True. Even just recently, I'm talking to a friend of a friend who knows someone who's running a business and for her she did a very an my term and my idea, a very lucrative launch on a course but to her it's not lucrative because she has an assistant to pay for she has huge taxes to pay for she has other people on her team to pay the bills for and so For more money, you know, she has a team she has this nice more issues that you have to do us so Wow, I feel like I want yeah, right there. Yeah,
Maryann Samreth 55:08
no more doubles. That's what my business coach said because like I love that more levels more devil. It's true because like I recently switched over to being a trauma writing coach and once I called myself that like just the whole entire summer I just triggered myself what my own power and authority it's triggering when you up level to, you know, another, like authority up when you up level just in general. It comes with a lot more insecurities. And then when you get more recognition, it's just like, it's secure. He's just flow in, like 100% posture syndrome is real people, you know, like, like I'm seeing as an expert, and I feel like I have to perform all this. I'm being like, raw and vulnerable right now. But I yeah, like you get to a place where like, you're just like, I, I'm also a human and I have needs and I need to go cry. And I can't show this on Instagram.
Kirstie Taylor 56:06
Or you can and people see you more as human. That's true. I
Maryann Samreth 56:10
did. I think I did post a video where I'm crying on Instagram.
Kirstie Taylor 56:14
I mean, I commend you I am so I've realized this I'm very picky about who I cry in front of not on purpose, but I definitely hold back a lot of tears. So I cry like a little baby in front of my boyfriend and sometimes I friend Yeah, I I don't know if I can ever post a crime but he on Instagram, and I believe and I like not like oh, I'm crying people feel bad for me, you know, just just a vulnerable raw video. So be very, uh, be tricky. So I commend you on that for being for showing the vulnerability. Yeah,
Maryann Samreth 56:47
I just want to show the memoir writing process, because I'm doing now and I'm just crying a lot more. So I'm just like, well may as well like, teach people how to feel their feelings. If they see me doing it. They can do it too. Like, oh, my students can cry too, when they're right. Exactly. Yeah. So I have two final questions for you. What do you wish the world had more of?
Kirstie Taylor 57:10
Okay, how would this answer all public good. It was that I wish that the world had more. How do I word this acceptance of people's unique experiences? Because I feel because people tend to not want to get help for their for whatever they're struggling with, because they see everyone else in their life. And they're like, this is what I need to be like, I need to, you know, just suck it up with my emotions or this or that. And, or people say, Oh, you're not you're What are you sad about? You don't? What do you have nothing to be sad about. I just wish that people would have more of a, um, like compassion. Maybe the word is compassion. Like there's a word for word curse
Maryann Samreth 58:03
on your writer.
Kirstie Taylor 58:05
It's one more. Yeah, compassion, compassion, and just a willingness to be open to hearing other people's pains and story, I guess that comes with, you know, each individual's self awareness and, you know, willingness to see life outside of how life is for them. But yeah, like compassion rush. Yeah,
Maryann Samreth 58:23
for sure. Just let the openness to be human in the eyes of other people's experience. And now now I'm just getting very, very out there with my words.
Kirstie Taylor 58:34
No. So that's a good way of saying yeah,
Maryann Samreth 58:37
and my final question is, actually, I have two more. Okay, the next one is what advice do you have anyone on their healing journey?
Kirstie Taylor 58:44
What advice do I have for people on their healing journey? Um, give yourself compassion and compassion. But it's so true. I think it was just yesterday, someone was like, Oh, I was feeling so secure the past month, and then something triggered me and it was just a really quick comment. I'm feeling so secure this past month. And then something that I posted about an anxious protest be participating really, like I was triggered, and I did this. And they basically, I'm not wording it the correct way. But they're basically saying, I was doing so well. And then I ruined it all. And I don't that's not healing that. I mean, you see, you see it all the time on Instagram, those little like the lines of what the healing process looks like, and it's going up, up, up, and that's like scribble scrabble up and down. Yeah, so true. And honestly, no one's ever healed. Everyone though, is healing. So I think the biggest thing is compassion. And I learned that a lot even with my my eating disorder is that I used to, and this is going to be this I don't know if I needed to like trigger warnings or anything. This is gonna be like very
Maryann Samreth 59:49
triggering good, we're good. Okay. It's a trauma informed podcast you could say.
Kirstie Taylor 59:55
Like, it's basically says trigger warning. Is that I mean, the formal word was purged. But I just I used to throw up my food. So I would count the days, I would be like, it's been two months since I've thrown up any my food. But when I would do it, I'm just like, I'm back. I'm back my eating disorder. And that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. It's just that it was a process like I wasn't going to be I'm just going to stop it's cold turkey over. It was just what I did. I needed to have compassion for myself. And to be like, I was I was struggling then. And it happened. But that doesn't mean I'm not still healing. And I wish more people knew that on their healing journey, because it's not linear. Just because you're you're attacked, or you're triggered, and you do something that you feel like it's part of your attachment style or whatever, whatever you're healing through. Does it mean that you're all the sudden back to zero? No, I like not is not at all how it works. And you know, compassion for yourself. Even listening to Oprah's book. I'm not even like, I don't know much about Oprah. I don't think I've ever even watched her show, to be honest. But reading her book, you know, I think Oh, Oprah's, Oprah's successful she must have, she could see a therapist every freaking day. She's right. Even hers, she was like, I still struggle with this, I still have read something, and it will trigger a memory that I had no idea was even there. And I think that's a beautiful thing to learn. Because like, no one's ever done healing. We're always learning even No, we're, yeah, that's all.
Maryann Samreth 1:01:31
Yeah, no, that's, that's great. Great to highlight. Because what I've realized, like within, you know, just further deepening my work and educating myself is that trauma triggers or whatever triggers, it doesn't have to be attached to trauma triggers, will always be there for at for, and it doesn't mean you're going backwards, you just have to better recognize when it comes up, and just give yourself compassion and neutralize yourself back to, to groundedness. Because we're going to be triggered forever.
Kirstie Taylor 1:02:05
It's sad, but like, that's the truth. Yeah, that's,
Maryann Samreth 1:02:10
that's a good way of putting it. And my final question is, what words of wisdom do you have for anyone writing their book asking for a friend aka myself?
Kirstie Taylor 1:02:20
I mean, it sounds like you are going through the process. Well, I was gonna say just, you know, feel your feelings. And also, a big thing is, don't, don't be afraid to just put words on the paper, put your feelings or your words or your ideas out there. And then go into Edit, do not drive yourself crazy by being like, I'm going to write a chapter, go back edit, or like half a chapter, go back at it, write your book, and then go back and edit everything because I promise you're gonna drive yourself crazy. If you keep writing and editing and writing and editing, write it all out, edit it later, you will be much better off.
Maryann Samreth 1:02:59
Yeah, those are some great advice just to write your damn book. Just yeah.
Kirstie Taylor 1:03:03
I mean, I hired an editor, an editor outside of my publisher, because I just wanted to like, kind of work with someone that could help me understand. You know, what I needed to change more so than like, they just doing it for me. I wanted to learn. So I hired someone and just doing that. And there was just so much editing that we did my book ended up being like, drastically different. Yeah, but it definitely ended up being different. And words being different everything. So it was just like, I will yeah, anyways, my, my, my point is just write it out there. And then worry about even even if like you write at a third grade level, just write it out our ideas out and then go back. And you know, you can even go back and fill in details and everything, just get your ideas out there. And then it's going to feel so much less intimidating. So that's the biggest thing with people trying to write books. I mean, a books like 60,000 words, that's the articles in itself. True. Yeah, that's really intimidating. I mean, not that books have to be 60,000. I mean, they can be whatever they want. But, um, on average, that's really intimidating. So just getting even like the shell out there. And then going into add detail is going to make it feel less intimidating than having to sit there and write a complete book chapter by chapter.
Maryann Samreth 1:04:23
Yeah, I think that's what a lot of people see writers as just going into the woods with their laughs are disappearing, and then coming out and birthing a book, right? It's just not reality.
Kirstie Taylor 1:04:38
I'm pretty sure even not all but some fiction writers will write will start with a random scene that doesn't even be that's not even the beginning of the book. They just start with a random scene, right? That although they're like, oh, I want to fill in what happens before this scene and then that becomes the beginning of the law.
Maryann Samreth 1:04:55
Yeah, I think it's you're able to you're allowed to write out of order to Oh yeah that's awesome. Yeah awesome. Well how can my listeners follow you Where can they find you? Do you have any upcoming workshops or any projects coming up?
Kirstie Taylor 1:05:12
Totally so i Everyone can find me on Instagram is where it's with Kirsty and Kirsty is Kir STI E, and then I'm also on Tik Tok. And that's just Kirsty Taylor but it's a little confusing. Chrissy Taylor, care, STI ETAY l o r r to Rs M, and then I have my anxious attachment workshop, which I'm very proud of in love. It's helped over 100 people, you know, feel more secure in their love life. And so that is always available on my website, it's recorded. It's a recording of my anxious attachment workshop which I've done live in the past and it has tons of exercises to feel more secure so people can find that on my website, which is just Christy taylor.com or through like my social my social links. And then if anyone's interested in my book because she's what I wish I knew about love, okay, which is linked to my profiles.
Maryann Samreth 1:06:06
Well, thank you so much for coming on my podcast. This was this. I mean, we talked about so many just great, great things. Oh, thank you so much for for being vulnerable here and speaking your truths.
Kirstie Taylor 1:06:17
Thank you for being vulnerable and for having me.
Maryann Samreth 1:06:37
We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to Kirsty's journey. Links to follow Kirsty on social media and also buy her book what I wish I knew about love will be in my show notes also excited to announce that I will be creating a virtual launch party for my crowdfunding campaign to raise funding for wellness writing programs for public schools. This is something I have been building the past month and I am so excited to have you all hopefully be a part of it. I will be sending out virtual writing workshop invites to my newsletter subscribers, so I will put a link to my show notes if you have not subscribed yet, but just know that is something that is coming up. I'm MaryAnn trauma informed wellness writing coach and founder of sincerely Miss Mary. You can follow me at sincerely Miss Mary on Instagram and Tiktok for more content about healing trauma and writing to heal. Thank you all so much and I'll talk to you soon
