S2E37: Shattering The Stigma of Suicide With Danielle Vigliotti

Danielle is a Trauma Informed Life Coach and Founder of Stress Less Love More

Danielle Vigliotti is a trauma-informed life coach and founder of Stress Less Love More. She shares her story of healing from the traumatic loss of her father through suicide. Through her healing, she recognized pain is temporary the process of moving through post-traumatic growth is moving towards a state of acceptance. She believes everyone is worth healing, love, and a life of less stress.

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Maryann Samreth 0:00

Welcome to mental breakthrough, a mental health podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories. As a reminder, we are all human. I'm MaryAnn Samreth, trauma writing coach, founder of sincerely Miss Mary and your host. In this season, I bring in healers, coaches, therapists and writers in the mental health and thought leadership space to share their stories of overcoming their shadows, to get to a place where the light shines again. These are trauma survivors, mental health advocates, spiritual guides, coaches, and first and foremost, human beings, reminding us to be softer and kinder to ourselves, so we can then meet others with the same compassion. The power and sharing our truths with the world gives permission for others to feel safe experiencing theirs. As a disclaimer, this podcast is not a replacement for trauma informed therapy. But as always, you can find mental health resources on my website at www that sincerely, Miss marry.com. Hey, everyone, thank you for being so patient this summer as I took a podcast hiatus to recover and heal from a surgery of removing a tumor, my ovary. And honestly, my life kind of just flipped upside down. I actually had a really hard time navigating the emotional stress from that. It really just hit me pretty hard. And I'm still kind of coping, I completely, you know, transitioned my business into something that was less stressful, in lighter. I'm just slowing down a lot. And I think we all need to do that because we are still in a pandemic. And yet I see a lot of us still have high expectations that we place on ourselves and how we move throughout our day to day, I think it's okay, to slow down. It's okay to rest. It's also okay to not be okay. And it's challenging the world we live in. So, take a break if you need to rest if you need to. Take a social media break if you need to do whatever you need to do to stay healthy, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. And today's guest is Danielle Vic Llyod. She is a trauma informed life coach, a suicide a 911 survivor and an amazing human being I met shortly after I quit my fashion career to become a writer. She's also the founder of stress, less love more coaching, and we talk about suicide. We talk about the difficult conversation around suicide. And I believe that to raise awareness about suicide prevention is to face the problem, to look into the wound and to have these tough conversations. So that's what we do in this episode. Danielle shares her vulnerable story about healing from the traumatic loss of her father suicide and how she was able to move forward in the grief journey towards post traumatic growth. Suicide is a very complex, layered topic. It's it's challenging, not a lot of people know how to go about it or you know, there's a lot of discomfort that arises when faced with someone that has experienced suicide or has been affected by suicide. And so we're bringing this subject to light to raise awareness to D stigmatize it and to prevent to prevent suicide to make people feel okay and safe to get help. She shares her very honest truth about the reality of grief how it is on linear, messy, imperfect, painful, but how she learned that pain is temporary and there will be days of hope and light ahead. So I hope you all enjoy this episode and allows for you to hold space for someone struggling with suicide or has been affected by suicide.

Hi, everyone, welcome to Mental breakthrough podcast. Today's guest we have Danielle she is a suicide survivor and 911 survivor and founder of stress less love more. He's passionate about helping people navigate big life transitions to find the positive path in life's messy and unpredictable journey. Me. So hi, Danielle, how are you doing today?

Danielle Vigliotti 5:02

I'm great. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm so excited to share with you guys today.

Maryann Samreth 5:08

Yeah, I'm so excited that we connected we met, like, almost a year ago. Very early on. And, you know, shortly after I lost my career, you were like one of my first clients, my one of my first writing clients. So I'm just grateful that, you know, Danielle was also in the fashion industry. So we both relate so many on so many levels with with the experiences there. But yeah, thank you so much for coming on, and coming to share the story, you have an amazing, brave story. So please take it away. What is your mental breakthrough story? And how did you become the healing life coach, mental health advocate person you

Danielle Vigliotti 5:51

are today? had such a big question. I think, you know, for those of us out there that the mental breakthrough story is that it's a constant story. And it's still continuing. Like everything else. You read stories and chapters, and my healing has been like chapters unfolding. It's been a long process. It's something I continue to work at. No, it's not like other things in life where you take a class, you get a certificate and you move on, it's you know, that the healing journey, and that the journey of being healthy is continual, I'm constantly constantly working at it. And in a lot of times, just as I feel I'm I'm getting somewhere that I get hit with another thing. And another thing, you know, in my intro, you had mentioned, you know, 911 911, which, you know, is definitely not something you you expect to live through and have impact your life and in so many different ways. But at the time of the terrorist attacks, I had been living just a few blocks away in Tribeca. And it really, I think, just the impact of that, and the impact of living that that morning, changed the course of, of who I was, and my DNA in my soul and my outlook on things. And it was a process that much like the other grief I've been through in my life takes time. Yeah. And then many years later, having my dad that, you know, passed from suicide was another huge traumatic grief, I didn't expect and oddly there, they were kind of right around 10 year mark. Just like II, yeah, each decade seems to have been marked by this huge traumatic turn of events. And so it's, it's, again, a constant working at it. And I really, I tried really hard, I think, to take responsibility for my mental health and knowing that, you know, it was going to be a process, I, I'm a voracious reader. And I'm thankful. So I read any kind of book I could get my hand on, I joined, you know, in person groups, online groups, I did a lot of online research about this thing called, you know, trauma, which I hadn't kind of, I've known, you know, post PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder was something I had always really associated with veterans. And, you know, it kind of came up a lot through my healing, and I did a lot of research on it. And you know, I still do, I think, you know, my, my mental breakthrough is a series of, I would say, persistence, and education, and I work at it all the time.

Maryann Samreth 8:27

Right. And you are exploring trauma before it was there was not a lot of education. And this was like, 10 years ago, or maybe even Yeah, but like, there was not a lot of trauma, education and even like PTSD outside of like, what veterans experience. How did you? Like, how did you like educate yourself about like trauma and like learning about, like, the symptoms you had? Yeah, it

Danielle Vigliotti 8:52

was really funny, because I had, you know, much to your point, this, this term of PTSD is not something that's kind of been in the colloquial verbiage as it is now. And I think when I was going through, and I hadn't realized what the emotions were that I was feeling, it was only years later, you know, with, you know, almost the birth of the Internet and the birth of social media that all of these terms, we now take so much for granted in the mental health space, or we're just emerging and you know, cuz I went to therapy, I talked to anyone that I couldn't, you know, the word trauma kept coming up. And I, I remember at one point, it seemed like but but it's not trauma and the professional I was speaking to was like, Yes, this is trauma. This is a traumatic break in a daily activity, and your body and your brain are processing it as trauma. And for some reason, it clicked on that day. And then I you know, that led me down a different rabbit hole of researching trauma and how it affects your DNA, how to sex and hold within the cellular level of your body and what that does to us. You know, this Stress, it creates it just, you know, one thing leads to another. And I think all of it builds on that. And it's kind of like these different layers of an onion, you're peeling back. And I think it's very much how how trauma response and healing of any grief really is. But much to your point, a lot of this stuff was not at all talked about, you know, in 2001. And, you know, I mean, I'd experienced trauma a lot through my childhood as well. And these were really, you know, terms that weren't necessarily heard of. So, you know, I'm grateful that we live in a time and a place to have such things as podcasts, like what we're doing right now, you know, giving us the ability to, you know, the platform to share stories, which are so powerful and other people's healing journeys just to like, you know, gosh, I think had had podcasts been around, you know, in, you know, even 10 years ago, my grief journey might have looked so different just to know that I'm not alone.

Maryann Samreth 10:52

Right. Yeah. And into, even, like, have that knowledge of like, PTSD and understanding like, what your body was going through, because, like, people are probably don't even know they have it, because they only associate it with veterans can, can you you explain like what some of these symptoms were are like, in case for, you know, people to understand what PTSD can be. If you're not a veteran, like, see anyone? Yeah,

Danielle Vigliotti 11:21

so just yet, anyone, anyone can have PTSD, right? And it can be as simple as something so slight that triggers a fear inside of you. You know, it can be a little fear, the fear can also escalate to a panic attack, but it doesn't necessarily have to it's, it's an act like a trauma response. So something happens, it triggers you and you create a what I call a frozen moment. It's that reaction where your body pauses, your brain pauses, and it starts to heighten, you start to go into this state where you almost disconnect from your body and you get numb as a protective device. You know, again, panic attacks are definitely a big sign of, of post PTSD. And I think any kind of changed perspective, what, which actually is kind of an interesting one most people don't talk about as a trauma response is your change perspective, I think, when you go to a trauma, you look at things so differently than you did before. And that's actually part of PTSD. No, so all of these little things that I didn't realize what they were, but something, you know, it's something silly would happen in my course of whatever it was happening at work. I mean, we, for those of us who worked in fashion, you know, how crazy it can be, and that on its own is a traumatic experience. You know, any kind of crazy reaction a person is going to have on a given day, and all of a sudden, your body freezes, and you can't let it go. You know, you keep holding on to it. And it causes this really undue panic and stress in your body. And the thoughts start cycling around. And maybe your coworker is like, oh, yeah, whatever. That's so and so they brushed it off, and they moved on. And you're thinking like, why can I brush it off and move on? Why is this getting me so jammed up? Why am I getting so out of place? Well, it's because you're being triggered, and part of that trigger goes down into the root of your trauma, and that that's a clear example of PTSD that I functioned with every day and didn't even know that I had,

Maryann Samreth 13:25

right. I mean, that's such a great way to just describe it to me, like this is, you know, things that people go through that they don't even realize just like that stuckness that happens in your body, and then that spiraling of, you know, like cyclical thoughts over and over again. And it's definitely something that habits, it's within you. And that's why it's, you know, this topic of trauma and PTSD, it's so it's so stigmatized, and so many of us are, you know, just not aware of the science, because it's something that happens within us and we can't see it. So it's, it's hard to explain that to other people, what you're going through when it's when it's inside of you.

Danielle Vigliotti 14:02

Absolutely. And you know, it's it's awful lot of times, it's, it's hard for medical professionals if you're not really like communicating with them, because as you said, it's happening inside you. And it has been so different for so many different people. You know, it's not it's not like a one size

Maryann Samreth 14:16

fits all. Yes, no, true.

Danielle Vigliotti 14:19

So I wanted one more example, which is having someone who, you know, is not that I'm an expert, but I was probably more aware of PTSD than others. And, you know, as I said, it's a constant work. You know, there was some really stressful things going on in my life about three years ago, and I was talking to my therapist about it, and she was like, Yeah, but this goes back to your PTSD. And I'm like, No, it doesn't, like yeah, yes, it does, you know, and we started peeling back the layers and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I never even realized that this is how I react when so and so does I do why? Well, I do that because of my trauma response. And you know, it's some It was a really fascinating observation for me. And it just goes to the point that it's it. It's a constant evolving learning process in in, you know, I like to call it post traumatic growth. Now, I think I like that. Now moving to that, that point of not so much focusing on the trauma and the difficulties, but where can I grow from this? How can I learn from this, right? That is a huge eye opener for me, and like, wow, this is a trigger, this is why I'm doing this, this is how I'm going to grow from it. So this whole new science now coming out of post traumatic growth is it's kind of amazing. It's like flipping the switch on PTSD, right, and trying to reframe it,

Maryann Samreth 15:43

right. And I think that's important to recognize that, like, there's no end destination, in our healing journey, like, we're never really fully done, which can be scary to, you know, accept that. But also, it's just kind of giving yourself grace as, like you said, like, you experience like a trigger, coming back. And, and, and it's just having acceptance that like, this is just part of my life. And it doesn't mean, I'm going back on my healing journey doesn't mean I'm going backwards on my process. I'm just learning more about myself. And I know that, you know, you've had a lot of traumatic loss in your life from experiencing 911 to, you know, your your father passing away from suicide, how did you go through that grief process and healing journey of, you know, all of this loss that was going through your life? Like, what was that process? Like,

Danielle Vigliotti 16:41

you know, my process was, I think, a long and kind of tangled process, I think when we look at the grief journey, a lot of times it can be fairly linear, and you vacillate back and forth, I think, because my, you know, with losing my dad that, you know, to suicide to, you know, to give a bit of backstory on that, you know, my father was an incredibly important person in my life, he was one of my best friends. And the person I really leaned on for, you know, everything he he was, he was my support, he was my BFF, he was my dad. So in losing, not only a father figure, I was also losing this, this really huge mentor and best friend part of my life. And, you know, there was, there was also the, the fact that he was a financial provider, and he looked after my mom. And so that left my mom in a difficult situation, which I, I knew that I was going to have to step into that, you know, almost caregiver kind of financial helper role with my mom. So my journey with suicide was so complex, and so emotionally tangled, that it was a very hard grief. And only years later, can I actually realize that it also triggered so much of my grief and my healing journey from post 911 There were a lot of, you know, I think when you go through the grief, you move on, and then something happens. And it's like, it brings it up again, you know, so it was almost like this strange alchemy and like, boiling pot, if you will, it's just like, you know, everything was in there, but the kitchen sink, literally, and I was trying to grieve it all at one time. Right. And so, it was, it was, it was a lot and it was difficult. But it was different. So, you know, I will also say, had, in my team, my early teens, I had lost my grandfather to suicide, and grieving my father's suicide to my grandfather's is to two totally, totally different things, right? So no grief journey is the same, especially No, no suicide grief journey is the same, it looks different in so many ways, shapes and forms. And, you know, it was tough. I think, a lot of times people didn't necessarily understand what I was going through. So I would, I would go to these grief groups for people dealing with suicide. And, and in a way, there was a lot of similarities, but there was also a lot of difficulties, because I think mine had so many other layers in there. And, you know, I, I tried really hard to look at it, you know, I went with some other members of my family and they would get really frustrated because they'd be like, ours is so different. Ours is so different. And I was like, Yes, it is so different. But I think in in any grief journey, you know, especially with suicide, no two are the same. So if you can, like go to any of these forms of getting help you can and take what you can from them, right? Like I didn't go I didn't, you know, reach out for help in one area and assume that that was going to make everything feel better. I kind of knew like, Okay, this is going to be a long healing journey, and I have to reach out for every resource I can. So again, going back to books, going back to support groups for Grievers of suicide, online communities, all those types of ways I could reach out I took little bits of Healing and little bits of advice and little bits of comfort from all those different sources. And I really again, I worked at it, it was a long, difficult, difficult journey. I think I also knew that my help taking care of my mental health was going to be important at that point too. And for anyone out there, grieving suicide, I just I want to say I'm so sorry. It's such a difficult, complicated loss. And, you know, my heart goes out to I grieve with you, and I grieve for you. And, you know, the best advice I can give is just to keep keep pushing, keep healing, keep working at your healing, because it does get better. It does get easier. I think, you know, grief and suicide is is a hard one, because there are so many unanswered questions. So many questions you have that just will or may never get answered. And I think that's a hard part of that grief is is learning that acceptance. And I think that, you know, with especially the grief of suicide, it's this, you know, we always go to what could I have done? What could I have done different? And the one thing I want to say to people that there was nothing you could have done different, you know, it's, this is that person's journey, this was that person's decision. Right? Right. So that was a hard, hard thing to get over in, in the suicide trauma, versus the other traumas that I had been through.

Maryann Samreth 21:31

Yeah, that's it. I mean, how, what advice would you give someone that, like, how did you get closure with yourself with what had happened? And even with having unanswered questions, were you able to, you know, get closure and peace, but what happened?

Danielle Vigliotti 21:49

Um, you know, I think that's, that's a great question. And I think it changes day to day. So sometimes I feel as if I've got closure, and then other times, I haven't, right, sometimes I feel like it's this wound that is never going to completely be healed. And there's days on my journey, and on my path where I'm okay with that. And then there's days where it makes me angry. And then there's days where it makes me sad. You know, and I think we're living years past now. And it's not something that I struggle with on a daily basis, but it's still there. You know, it's so I don't know that I ever completely got closure. I think I, I have I've accepted that my questions won't be answered. Right. I think. And I think I've made peace with that. So I've looked at, I found the closure where I could, and I've accepted that, you know, I'm not going to ever get the answers I want or have an out final closure, right? Yeah. So for me, that was really where I flipped that and said, Okay, let's move on from the PTSD. And let's start looking at this concept of post traumatic growth. How can I grow from this, right? It's not something that you know, is gonna go away, there's always going to be the pre chapter and the after chapter, you know, there's always going to be my life before and my life after that. It's like, what can I learn from it? How can I grow? How can I use my experience and help others? And I think for me, that is really where I almost started to blossom to heal a lot more is when I started looking at, okay, how can I use this to help others? I can't change what happened, but what can I do? You know, putting that focus on what can I do? helps me to stop focusing on why did this happen? And, and, you know, so I started looking for closure in a different way. Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 23:41

I think that's so important to highlight that this journey is not about putting an end to feelings that it's always allowed. It's always okay to be a human and continue to have moments where you are grieving and that's okay. I think that's thank you for you know, talking about this, you know, happy talk topic and being so honest and transparent because I think a lot of people probably feel who have gone who are going through this or have gone through this, like that shame spiral when they start to get triggered, again, are upset and feel guilty and ashamed, that they're angry, and it's just like, it's okay to feel those feelings. And what would you say is like, the biggest like stigma when it comes to suicide? And what's one thing that you want to, you know, really, like, dismantle.

Danielle Vigliotti 24:29

I think you hit on such a great point that, you know, the first thing he says, It's, uh, it's okay to feel what you feel, you know, your feelings are authentic to you. They're, they're who you are, they're your perception of the experience and you know, you're allowed to feel them I think don't don't deny how you feel, let your emotions come and feel them and and talk them through but no, and do know that for, you know, this really goes for whatever you're struggling with in life. But the pain doesn't last forever, the pain is temporary. And, you know, I loved that. I think it goes back to this great connection we had when we first chatted and and one of our first projects we worked on together, we really explore that topic of pain is temporary. And I think in a lot of instances, it really is. So, you know, my, my number one thing with, with the grief journey, and especially suicide is that the pain does go away, but you know, that there's, my second thing is there, it's not your fault. You know, I think with suicide has such a different stigma. It's, you know, and especially Gosh, when I was grieving suicide in the 80s, it was like embarrassing, you know, I was like, the weird girl whose grandfather killed himself, you know, and you're like, You're wrong. I was like, in junior high, you know, people would whisper in the halls. I mean, this is the 80s No one knew about PTSD. Nobody spoke about in public, it was the weird, hushed things in the corner you now right? But it's, it's, like, be honest about it, talk about it, like, confront it, confront it, because it's, you're not alone, you are not alone. So much more common, you know, sadly, it happens a lot more than than we realize it does. So I think that that's a really good thing to talk about with suicide and breaking that stigma is that it's, you know, mental health is super important. And so many of us have either struggled with suicidal ideation, or have been affected by suicide, you know, through the loss of loved ones or friends or friends of friends. So you know, you're not alone. And don't don't let that perception stigma make you feel any less. Yeah, so I think those are two of my, my big things. As far as the stigma on suicide goes, you know, I just I want to think like, much like any mental health things, the more we talk about it, the more we shatter that stigma, and the more people start to heal,

Maryann Samreth 26:59

yes, definitely talking about it is addressing that issue. And that's what is going to help break the stigma, even if it's uncomfortable, and I know that it was a really big, it's a big step for you to share, you know, your your dad's Suicide Story with a mental health platform, can you talk about that experience? Because I know, this was a big thing that was, you know, a big decision for you to share it. And can you talk about that experience of of getting, you know, this published and sharing your story out there with, you know, in a safe space where other people can can relate to you people that need to hear what

Danielle Vigliotti 27:37

the story is sharing my story was definitely very difficult. And I think it was difficult for a few reasons. For one, I just, I felt like the minute I went public with it and started talking about it, it was gonna be real, you know, like, it's one thing to talk about it with intimate friends that you feel safe with, or, you know, in a grief group or with like minded people, but to put your emotions out on this bigger platform of social media, the internet is really vulnerable. And it's really scary. And I had realized that there's still a lot of things that I'm working through in my healing. And, you know, so many times I want to talk about it and be public, but I get really scared and insecure and pull back. Or second guess myself, you know, and I think it was just, you know, meeting people along the way that were really encouraging and non judgmental about my story made me feel more comfortable. I think, really, I've always wanted to really talk about it and be able to take that really painful, you know, dark, difficult part of my life and be able to make it a little easier for anyone struggling with it. But that self doubt and that insecurity really always held me back and then you know, we got through this time of the pandemic and I had a lot of much like a lot of people a lot of time to sit back and not be busy in my life. That That for me was a blessing because I pretty much run at full speed so to have to just stop everything felt really raw and really scary, but was great because I can explore things and you know, I think part of this that what helped me get over that last hurdle was meeting you and sharing my story with you. And that was the first time I had shared to so authentically what I felt with a total stranger and you know, your reaction of acceptance and love and understanding was super encouraging for me, because I you know it like it like squash My biggest fear of oh my god, people are gonna think I'm crazy. There's going to be a stigma. And I'll never forget it was so poignant for me. You said this. This is a really powerful story. You should share this with people. You know, for people struggling, this would be very helpful. And I think that was just the Validate So I needed to be like, Yeah, I can do this. And, you know, even if sharing my story is messy, and it's not perfect, and it's not well rehearsed, and it's not, you know, beautifully spoken, it's, it's raw, and it's honest, and it's real. And I had wished someone would have done that when I was going through it. No. So it still feels awkward for me when I do it. And, you know, even when I go back and read it, I think the hardest thing for me actually was like, Oh, my God, my mom's gonna read this. My mom's gonna read this, and what is she going to think? Now? That was so scary for me. But you know, it's, it's also, like everything in life when you face your fears. You know, it was such a force of freedom. Yes. And it had been like, I've been grieving and holding this, this trauma in for so long that when I let it out, it was like subconsciously, and emotionally, that was a huge relief from this huge sense of freedom that like, oh, my gosh, I don't have to hide from this anymore. You know, I, I can put it out there. And people can think what they want to think but not carrying this around inside of me anymore. Is it such an amazing, amazing thing. And it was really freeing for me. So as me sharing my story may help other people. It's also helping me on my healing journey.

Maryann Samreth 31:20

Yes, I, I'm so proud of you. Like I know, I nudged you to do it. But I'm, I'm so proud of you. And again, on like an amazing, like a platform about like mental health advocacy. And it is helping, you know, so many people that's going through that because these are on talked about topics, but doesn't mean that these experiences aren't happening. So many people go through, you know, loss of family members or friends through suicide, and you're voicing your story and your experiences and the truth of you know, what you are feeling it's giving people permission to feel what they need permission to grieve. And yeah, and validate your point, just

Danielle Vigliotti 32:04

permission to talk about this stuff, right? Like, the only way we break through and change, you know, a perception or change, like a consumer mindset is really by talking about it, by making these topics normal. And, you know, we have these incredible platforms like podcasts, and internet and all these great things now where we can share this, but it's, it's so powerful to get together and share our stories and help each other on this healing journey.

Maryann Samreth 32:35

Yes, it's healing as a collective is so powerful to like, like, you're just writing your story was healing for you, and then to share it, it's being a witness for your truth and having it be received and held. And you know, nourished and supported. That's, that's so healing for you, too. And just reaffirming that, like, yeah, how to have this human experience from a traumatic human event. Because it's just a part of

Danielle Vigliotti 33:01

that. And actually, the writing point was massively important. You know, and I'm, I'm so proud of you with your trauma writing program. I think it's just amazing. And I, I want to encourage all of you to, you know, to experience and do something like that, because just the process of writing, there's something so freeing about the process of writing the energy, of putting your thoughts and emotions out on paper is a really freeing experience. And as much as I talked about my grief, and my trauma, writing it out, was really a super healing process for me, obviously, very difficult as you're going through these emotions, and, you know, you're feeling them, it just, it was, it was such a beautiful thing to experience, I want to thank you so much for for the work that you're doing in that space. Because I think it's incredibly important in in that trauma process to work through that,

Maryann Samreth 33:55

of course, and it's, you know, writing is putting yourself first and that's why it's so difficult, especially when you know, you have been through trauma and you are empathic and you're so giving it's that's why it's so difficult because you're putting yourself first and that can feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, but that's why it's so freeing because when you do it, you're like, oh my god, it feels so good. To give myself what I need to validate myself with my experiences. Yeah. So I want to talk about how you know your transformation journey and your creation of stress less love more, because I know like, this was from, you know, you say like, how, you know, having traumatic experiences can you know, kind of was part of your journey to to your transformation process and the creation to go into life coaching. Can you talk about your experience of, you know, how you went from designing or not designing or from the fashion industry to coaching because it's also like it's touched one at it, you know,

Danielle Vigliotti 35:03

it definitely was a departure. But it's funny when I look back at things I, I realized that throughout the course of my fashion career, there was a waste of like, under level lying of coaching, you know, and I know. I'm sure you've all seen Devil Wears Prada. So I think, you know, you can attest the fact that fashion can be difficult, it's not necessarily the easiest environment to work in. And we get through it by the people around us and the friends around us. And what we don't realize when we're doing there is encouraging and coaching each other. And when I look back at my jobs and managing teams, managing teams is a lot of coaching, right? So I started to, I started to realize that as I was going through my own stress management courses, so my journey with life coaching started with stress management courses, you know, I was at another crossroads in life, and I, I really wanted to deal with my anxiety in a healthy format. I knew that I didn't necessarily want to keep stuffing emotions or rely on medication. And I started taking stress management classes, and really researching the effects of stress on our body and how it how it co plays and intermingled with anxiety. And you know how that anxiety starts spiraling? You know, we get into that stress cycle, and then all of a sudden, the panic attack kicks off. And so through through all of that, I realized that the easiest way will actually one of the most proactive ways of controlling those, those trauma reactions are through mitigating my stress, but keeping my stress low, really managing my stress, understanding my stress responses, understanding what secondhand stress is understanding how it affects my body. And, you know, through that, I really, it was very apparent to me that we can actually like we're choosing stress, right, we're choosing these reactions, and it's something that is within our control. And so I started teaching workshops, and I came up with the lame Stress Less love more, because for me, it really is, you know, the to really play hand in hand, right? Do we can say, Oh, just stop stressing, just stop stressing. And when someone says that to you, and you're stressed, you're like, Oh, my God, how? How, please tell me how I can stop doing right. Do you think I want to be stressed? No, I don't want to be up all night at four in the morning. But I don't know how to stop. Right. Exactly. I just think the most frustrating thing was you were like, Oh, just stop stressing about it. And like, you kind of look at them and like, you know, want to hit them in the head. And yeah, how how nice

Maryann Samreth 37:44

but and

Danielle Vigliotti 37:47

you're like, Well, duh, of course, I'm stressed, right? So I actually wrote down the steps of like, how to not stress, here's what you do to not stress, as I was reading through that part of it is like keeping things you love in your life, right. And that's where the love more came in. That doing things you love doing things that are healthy for you, doing things that feed your soul actually help balance your stress level. So, you know, with stress less love more, it's almost like the balancing scales. One side is the stress, one side is the love and you're looking you're searching for balance between the two. And also when we are in state of our life where we have less stress, it allows us to really fully be present and really love what we're doing. And just be there in that moment. And so that's really how stress less love more evolved and grown now into a series of workshops. And you know, I'm about to launch an online class, just the stress, less love more signature program, which really talks you through this is what's happening to your body. When you're stressing this is how you get to the point of a stress cycle. This is what happens during anxiety. These are some of the things you can do when you're in that moment to regain a little bit of your mental clarity and control. And then these are some of the things you can do to really be incorporating love into your life because that's an important aspect. Now being being present and really, you know, giving, being able to give our emotions to like what we're doing. I think that's a really important thing. And I think we especially a lot of really high high functioning people with high functioning anxiety, we can look like we're mentally present we can look like we're there, you know, but really inside we're completely having a mental freakout and no one

Maryann Samreth 39:39

knows. Right? Because we've been so conditioned and good at masking it with a smile and a nod.

Danielle Vigliotti 39:47

Yeah and because he usually we're overachievers and you know whatever we do, we're successful and if we can't do it we just keep pushing through to do it right yeah. Like this section of love more like be Be present be where you are, you know where we are is a gift. And even when we're in grief, it can be a gift, if we look at, and try to identify how to grow with, if we're honest with our emotion and let our emotions be when it's feeling Yes, sort of that that's sort of where that that came from. And then what I realized was, you know, I would go around to Little different work organizations and different yoga studios and teach you stress, less love more classes. And then from there, I really, you know, working with a life coach really helped me change my perspective. And still, it still helps me change my perspective, right, it helps remind me to look at things from a different angle. Yeah, that's really what prompted me to become certified in the life coaches that I joined the one on one process, and I really, you know, think a lot of these, a lot of these tools are incredibly important. And, you know, people, people need them, people need to know about them, I think, you know, people don't necessarily, until you go through this time in your life where you're stuck. And you're, you know, usually at that point, you've already spiraled out of control. I, I'd love to make all of these, you know, men's mental health fools a little bit more well known so that we can keep our lives in balance, so that we hopefully don't get to the point where we're completely out of control and out of tune with who we are. And that's really, what I started to realize is that that's really where my passion lies, and I love fashion, it's still something that I do it for me, it's like my creative outlet, right? But now, helping people and talking about the importance of mental health is really my passion. And really, my, you know, my reason, right? It's like, I went through this, I don't want anybody to have to struggle with this. Because really, there's a lot of help out there. And I want them to know that that help exists.

Maryann Samreth 41:59

Right. And I think that's so important that you really integrate, you know, all the lessons you learned from your experiences into your coaching practice. I think that is so important that you are trauma informed, and that you you really know what's going on in the body to help people just, you know, feel their feelings and move forward with loving more. And that is, you know, it sounds cheesy love, like to love yourself, but it's you. It's truly like my therapist told me yesterday, like like Sophos day is the antidote to like your inner critic, and I was just like, whoa, like, it's

Danielle Vigliotti 42:34

yeah, that's powerful.

Maryann Samreth 42:36

It's true. So true. Yeah. It's so true.

Danielle Vigliotti 42:39

I mean, we have to, we have to, we have to love ourselves. Like just means taking care of ourselves, right? We have to take care of ourselves, we have to take care of our health, we have to take care of our mental health, just as important the to go hand in hand.

Maryann Samreth 42:53

Yes, exactly. Yeah, so powerful. And I love that, like, your approach is just integrating how you know these tools into your daily lives. I think he made a good point, like, you don't have to be a rock bottom to start, you know, getting help for yourself, you can learn the tools now. Like when you do get to a place of, you know, chaos, like you're not left without feeling you're powerless. Like these are like, a way to build tools in your life, integrate it into your daily life. So you always, you know, feel like you have control when you are in a trauma response, or you're you have anxiety, it's just building tools. And I think that's so important.

Danielle Vigliotti 43:33

Yeah, it's like, similar to like going to the gym, we go to the gym and keep our bodies healthy. No life coaching. Is it going to the gym to keep our mind healthy?

Maryann Samreth 43:42

Yes, sir. Exactly. Well, thank you so much for everything that you know, you brought today, I have two final questions for you. What do you wish the world has more of a

Danielle Vigliotti 43:56

big question, but I wish that the world had more compassion and generosity. Yeah. And for me, the to go hand in hand, you know, I think we can all do something. I think I wish the world had more of that, you know, if you see a need, do something about it, right? Because you don't know how that's going to affect the person you're helping. It's like this domino effect. So one of the things that I'm really, really passionate about is helping other people actually helps you. So, you know, it's part of my grief and, you know, things that I've been through volunteering, helping people in in any way, shape or form has always really given back to me. You know, not only does it help you realize other people and have their situation so it takes your mind off of where you are but you're helping someone grow and I think there's so many needs that we have in our community, you know, if we just think you know, five people the five close There's people in our life, you can really identify specific needs, you know, and I really truly feel like God blesses us all with different talents to help the communities that we're in. So where we see a need, if you have a time, or a talent or a financial capability, I think it you know, it's up to us as people to give, you know, where some have more, some have less if we have a time or a talent and can give it to somebody, I say, you know, do it, it's going to help that person and change that person's life. And you have no idea, the butterfly effect that that could create another human's life, but also the butterfly effect that that can create in your own life. Right. So I wish that the world had more compassion and more generosity. Yeah,

Maryann Samreth 45:47

definitely. It is very, truly like fulfilling to be able to help others, especially in the way that you received help for yourself to get to give it back to people in any way that you can. Yeah, and it can just

Danielle Vigliotti 45:58

be like, this, the simplest thing, right, and it sometimes it sounds super cheesy, but like, you know, if, if people are, you know, financially struggling, just to like pay the rent for a month, pay their car payment for a month, you know, that can be hugely life changing for someone that can be the stress relief, or the break that they need to move forward in their life.

Maryann Samreth 46:23

It's little things like that, or I guess those are big things, but no, any

Danielle Vigliotti 46:28

big, you know, yeah, it can be little, like, you know, helping someone with a meal, helping someone carry groceries up the stairs, right? Like, simple things like that, like how I remember, you know, living in the city and watching elderly people get on a bus and go to the grocery store. And that's to get back on the bus to go home and climb up a few flights of stairs and, you know, doesn't cost anything to take your time out and go with them. Their groceries, you know, it's kind of a really wonderful thing to do for someone or just, you know, if if you know, a widow or an older person who's lonely, just have a cup of coffee with them. Yeah, you know, simple, simple things like that, just, you know, I ops like, you know, seeing the unseen people, right, just being aware of what the needs are in our community around us and how we can help and that sorry, say like, it's not necessarily giving a finances but a time or a talent, you know, maybe they're struggling with, you know, a broken lock on their door, and you're a pretty handy dude, you can help them by fixing that lock. You know, those, those little acts of compassion goes so far in our society. And you're right. And I think that that's a really important thing, especially so much in the connection aspect. We live in such a digital age, right? That, you know, the connection of, you know, connecting for that that human capability. Like imagine you're, you're that person who's who's struggling. And imagine you're a single mom and you're struggling with a lock on your door and your neighbor kindly comes and fixes it. Right? That's just an incredible connection point and human reaching out to humans for help. And I think you know, it, it makes us feel good. It makes them feel good. And it reminds us that we're all in this together.

Maryann Samreth 48:10

Exactly. I love this. Like, just coming back to like the human realm out of the digital world. Yeah, actually physically having human connections with people and helping them in, you know, like a human human interaction even like tipping at a coffee store. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. I love that.

Danielle Vigliotti 48:31

Oh, important. I think that's one thing I have to say that I think we've all Well, I hope we as a collective society have realized during the pandemic is that people need people like people

Maryann Samreth 48:42

do, like physical human interaction, for sure.

Danielle Vigliotti 48:46

Yeah. I want to look at someone I want to see her smile. I want to Yeah.

Maryann Samreth 48:54

I love that. It's giving me like all appeals. I'm like, wow, I don't remember last time I like held the door for someone.

Danielle Vigliotti 49:03

But those little awarenesses, right. So like, do it tomorrow for someone just go out of your way do like a little secret act of kindness, and it just makes you feel so good. Like you do when we're struggling or we're having a down day or you know, we're just crabby about something. Um, but it was like, the simplest thing we could do that can just turn turn a situation around.

Maryann Samreth 49:29

I love that. Thank you so much for that insight and that reminder to to be a human. Last question for you is what advice do you have for someone on their healing journey

Danielle Vigliotti 49:40

to just keep going keep going because your healing journey is a beautiful path that has so many, you know, different twists and turns but at each turn, the exploration brings you to another level of understanding and another level of awareness and just reach out Ask for help. You know, there's there's no stigma, there's no shame, ask for help. There's so many resources out there. And I think a lot of a lot of people that are, are wanting to help, right, but they just sometimes they don't know what to say or they don't know what to do. So just be really honest with your emotions about where you're at about how you're feeling. And then my, my other piece of advice would be to just know that is the pain doesn't last forever. And you do get to a point where you reach some level of acceptance, not that the situation is ever 100% Okay, but you know, you, you start to move to a place where it doesn't dominate 24 hours of your day. So just keep with it, keep on the process, and know that you're worth it, you're worth healing. And to just keep keep moving the process through so that you can really be the best person you can be and, and be comfortable in your own skin.

Maryann Samreth 51:04

That is powerful. And I just want to highlight what you said you reach a level of acceptance. I like that you didn't say like you reach a level of joy. It's like that's not realistic. Acceptance. hard moments.

Danielle Vigliotti 51:17

Yeah. I love when people say like, aren't you over that yet? It was like five years ago, and like you're thinking, No, I am never going to be over this. You're so you're so right. Like, it's, it's acceptance. Yeah, that's all it is. Yeah. But acceptance can be beautiful. And, you know, you're you're gonna meet a bunch of wonderful people and your healing journey along the way and have this great community so that there are wonderful things that no can come out of it. Yeah, you choose to see them?

Maryann Samreth 51:51

Yes, definitely. Well, thank you so much for sharing your incredible story. And everything we talked about was just so, so profound, and just like needed, like we need to talk about these hard things. So thank you so much for being so honest and vulnerable on here.

Danielle Vigliotti 52:09

Well, thank you so much for having me today. I really feel honored to be here. And thank you so much for asking me,

Maryann Samreth 52:15

of course, and how can my followers find you follow you work with you? Yes.

Danielle Vigliotti 52:21

So you can find me at stress, less love more.com. I also have an Instagram, which is stress less, love more. And you can shoot me a DM or an email, I would love to work with you guys one on one. I'm also gonna you know, I think I want to do a special offer for anyone that that hears through the podcast. So I'm working on a new course. And so we'll give you a little bit of a sampling of it. We'll do a C we'll do an eight week one on one course. Because I think if you're listening to this podcast, and anything resonated with you, especially about trauma or suicide, I'd love to do some one on ones. We'll do an eight week stress, less love more course, for 495, which would normally be 895. So yeah, reach out to me online. It's info at stress less love more. And let me know if that's something that sounds interesting to you.

Maryann Samreth 53:20

That sounds incredible. And I will put that in my show notes. So everyone will have access to that new course coming up. And thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm just so excited to share this. You know your story with everyone. It's gonna it's gonna help a lot of people a lot of people are going to relate. Well, thank

Danielle Vigliotti 53:37

you. Thank you so much for having me today.

Maryann Samreth 53:49

We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to Danielle's journey. She does have a special offer for you guys have for private coaching sessions for 250. I definitely recommend working with her. She is trauma informed, she understands suicide, she understands grief, she understands traumatic loss, she can coach you through your post traumatic growth journey. So definitely, definitely work with her if you are interested. And I also have a quick word from my new sponsor FAB Fit fun. It is a subscription box. It is super girly. And I love it. It has a lot of great wellness products, skincare products, and it's just it just makes me feel good getting all of these fun products in there that are valued at like $300 in the boxes like I think under $60. So you can use my code, Miss Mary for $10 off and enjoy your FabFitFun box. And so I want to thank you all for listening to this podcast for being a part of my work. It's been a crazy crazy year and And one thing that I am building right now is a wellness riding program for public schools. And so maybe I'll do an episode about that process of building it. Because I have, you know, really have been in a role of encouraging, and trying to inspire so many trauma survivors out there. And now what I want to do is honestly, just break into the public school system for the kiddos, that's what I want to do, I really want to help kids that regulate their emotions and nervous system, Drew teachers, because kids can't regulate themselves, they have to be co regulated with adults. And my hope with this program is, is if there's something going on, in the home, that no one you know, can control that they have the tools and resources, to regulate their emotions to release trauma from the body, so they don't move into adulthood and repeat some of the same patterns, kind of like what I've experienced in my adulthood. And I think what a lot of us have, so that's a new project that I am doing. So please stay tuned. I am just feeling you know, it's like the fire you know, has been lit inside of me for this for this new project and tackling a school system. It's it's something that I've been wanting to do and that I feel ready for. It's like everything that I have been building in the past has led me to this new moment, this new momentum, this this new project, so stay tuned. Thank you all for being here. And I will be releasing episodes every other week from now on. There's five more amazing, amazing interviews coming up. So stay tuned. Thank you guys and have a great day.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai