S1:E2: The Reckoning of Sincerely Miss Mary
This episode is to honor victims of sexual assault and survivors of emotional and psychological abuse. My story can be triggering so listener discretion is advised.
In this episode, I tell you the origin story of my pen name persona, Sincerely Miss Mary. She was created during a season of depression and in the midst of the gaslighting and victim-blaming, I endured after confronting my partner about his predatory friend.
Transcript
Intro:
Welcome to Mental Breakthrough, a memoir podcast about owning our most vulnerable stories so we can live a life of authenticity.
I’m Maryann Samreth, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Together, I take you through my healing journey as I share stories of moving through pain to get to the other side where the light shines again.
In this season, I carry you moment to moment, starting with a tumultuous breakup, then multiple breakdowns, and eventually a breakthrough.
I share stories of how my gift of writing guided me through the darkest moments of my life, leading me to reconnect with my Cambodian ancestors and break the cycle of generational trauma.
There is power in storytelling and sharing our vulnerabilities with the world. It opens doors to cultivate deeper connections with others on the same journey so we can heal as a collective.
By sharing my truths, I pave the way for others to feel safe sharing theirs. We all have a story to tell. Stories that can be someone’s silver lining. Stories of hope.
Episode 2 Intro:
This episode is to honor victims of sexual assault and survivors of emotional and psychological abuse. My story can be triggering so listener discretion is advised.
If you missed episode 1, I recommend going back and listening to the first chapter of my story...Here’s a quick recap of where I left off..after I publicly condemned my partner’s best friend for sexually assaulting me on Instagram, he left me followed by silence, complicity, and rejection from his friends and family who knew my perpetrator. Now let’s move on to episode 2.
In this episode, I tell you the origin story of my pen name persona, Sincerely Miss Mary. She was created during a season of depression and in the midst of the gaslighting and victim-blaming, I endured after confronting my partner about his predatory friend.
My pen name persona pulled me out of denial and gave me the strength to stand up for myself. Victim blaming and victim-shaming are insidious acts from those who are incapable of working on themselves.
If you have experienced this please know you had every right to speak up and tell your story. I stand with you.
Episode 2: The Reckoning of Sincerely Miss Mary
There is so much mystery, beauty, and magic within the writing process. My writing was born out of a need to rescue myself from an abusive relationship. It was a weapon I masterfully crafted when I attempted to turn a villain into prince charming.
I was living in denial and silence, feeling like I could turn to no one because I had performed this Instagram perfect life of a NYC fashion designer who had it all...a job at Tommy Hilfiger, a boyfriend, a dog, and a shared Upper east side apartment.
I was fooling everyone and needed an outlet to release my truths.
So Sincerely Miss Mary was born on Instagram, shortly after my ex began victim-blaming me for his best friend sexually assaulting me.
She dropped truth bombs left and right. She got me out of denial by digitally embedding my reality with posting poetry. In this space I created, I was finally safe...yet I couldn’t unsee the truths of my experience from the words I wrote.
On March 21st, 2018, I wrote a poem using the words he spoke to me after I asked him to condemn his best friend for sexually assaulting me
He just touched your leg
Why are you trying to stir shit up?
He just touched your leg
I don’t believe you
Why didn’t you stop him.
Why didn’t you scream at him
He just touched your leg
I have to talk to him
He’s going to feel attacked
He just touched your leg
Your ignorance
Fuels the fire
Of the me too movement
Hashtag Times Up
-Sincerely Miss Mary
Whenever he made me feel crazy. I wrote.
Whenever he made me angry, I wrote.
Whenever he made me cry. I wrote.
The lows were mixed with the highs. The love was mixed with my cries. My reality began to entangle with the lies that everything was my fault...I believed that I needed to fix this….I needed to teach him about sexual assault and women’s rights.
What I didn’t realize was that a man who can’t handle the truth will twist the truths in such a way to distort the vision of the woman he claims to love.
Yet the one piece of light that held my reality together were the words I mashed together and placed on a grid on Instagram as Sincerely Miss Mary.
On April 30th, 2018 I wrote:
I am crazy
I am psycho
I am defensive
I am aggressive
I am possessive
I am ignorant
I am insane
I’m okay with that
Because there are worse things to be
A liar
And an asshole
-Sincerely Miss Mary
This was the day my ex lied to me, hung out with the man that sexually assaulted me, and then later told me his friend was moving to NYC, to an apartment one block from ours. Even when the abuse got worse, my persona somehow got stronger.
I’ve never been a writer before I created this pen name. I was designing handbags at Tommy Hilfiger. I was eating up that glamorous fashion lifestyle, yet I had this double life as an introspective wordsmith. Designer by day. Poet by night. It was a beautiful secret.
Writing was a tool I learned in therapy to regulate my emotions in a heavy season of depression. I began jotting short thought memos of emotions, which eventually became a habit, and that habit turned into poetry. My natural ability to write fluidly was a gift, but I had yet to learn that it came from my Cambodian ancestors.
There was only one person that I truly confided in about my writing and anonymous Instagram account. That was my beloved dear friend, Liana. A friend who cheered my truth bomb writing on from the very beginning.
She also happened to sit right next to me at work every day as I was posting poem after poem. She read every single one I posted and loved seeing this raw side of my personality.
I remember saying to her one day, “I like Sincerely Miss Mary more than me, she’s my dark passenger.”
She responded with confidence,” What if Sincerely Miss Mary is more you... then the you, you are now?”
Woah….My mind was blown. Even she knew the real me before I gave myself permission to.
I loved how Sincerely Miss Mary was relentless, honest, and bold. She held the key to unleash the person I am today. She was the inner voice that told me what I didn’t want to hear….that my partner was never changing and I needed to leave.
On April 18th, 2019, One day before the breakup and also the day I discovered the disturbing text messages of my partner making fun of my sexual assault...I wrote
I needed to see it
Your words against his
Which turned out to be
Your words backing his
I needed to see it
And now I know the truth
That if you had to choose
It’s bros for life
Regardless of inhumanity
Regardless of sexual assault
Regardless of betrayal
You will always choose him
Over me
You win
And the prize
Is my absence
-Sincerely Miss Mary
Sincerely Miss Mary stood up for herself.
Maryann denied her reality.
Sincerely Miss Mary swallowed the toughest pills.
Maryann was scared.
Sincerely Miss Mary was fearless.
Maryann began to be tired of her shit.
Sincerely Miss Mary knew who she was.
Maryann was finally ready to merge both identities.
On April 20th, 2019, One day after my abusive ex left me because I spoke out about his best friend sexually assaulting me, I wrote:
Change is happening
When they attempt to silence you
And your voice gets louder
Growth is happening
-Sincerely Miss Mary
My writing post-breakup became more frequent and more bold. I have written over 500 poems live journaling my breakup and into my healing journey. It was my companion as I moved through the pain of recovering from prolonged trauma in that relationship.
It is true what they say. Some of the most beautiful poems come from the darkest moments of our lives. Healing pain is what they call it and I wrote through every moment of it.
On February 10th, 2020, Pre-Covid, I performed at my first open mic with Brooklyn Poets.
Little did I know, I was among Colombia MFA poets, published poets, poets who’ve studied this work their whole lives...and then there was me… too scared to use my real name...so I went on stage as the person I could always count on...Sincerely Miss Mary...
Tell Your Story
I give you full permission to
tell your story.
If you were abused,
tell your story.
If you were abandoned,
tell your story.
If you were sexually assaulted,
tell your story.
If you were victim blamed
If you were victim shamed
If you were made to feel less than by circumstances out of your control.
I give you full permission to
tell your damn story.
You do not owe anyone mercy.
You do not owe anyone a damn thing.
The only person you owe everything to
is yourself.
You owe yourself a voice
to tell your story.
You owe yourself a voice
to reclaim your power.
To the ones that robbed you of your identity.
To the ones that stripped you of your worth.
To the ones that underestimated a death by a thousand cuts
will wake up to what follows next.
A death seemingly irreversible
will always lead to an awakening
will always lead to a rebirth
will always lead to the rising
of a fearless woman.
As the sun illuminates the courage within you
you stand up on the mountaintop, at last
ready to tell your story.
Outro:
We all have a story to tell and I want to thank you for listening to mine. I’m Maryann, the woman behind the pen name, Sincerely Miss Mary. Please subscribe to my podcast for more stories of healing and words of encouragement. If you loved this episode, please leave me a review!
You can also follow me on TikTok and Instagram @sincerelymissmary and visit my website at www.sincerelymissmary.com
